When the way seems desperate

When the way seems at its most desperate, when you feel there is nowhere to turn, when darkness and temptation smother your concious and you feel but a moment from yielding to your best laid plans and aspirations of your heart for the desire of your flesh… 

 

Son of God, if thy free grace
Again has raised me up,
Called me still to seek thy face,
And given me back my hope:
Still thy timely help afford,
And all thy loving kindness show:
Keep me, keep me, gracious Lord,
And never let me go!

 

 By me, O my Saviour, stand
In sore temptation’s hour;
Save me with thine outstretched hand,
And show forth all thy power;
O be mindful of thy word,
Thy all-sufficient grace bestow:
Keep me, keep me, gracious Lord,
And never let me go!

Give me, Lord, a holy fear,
And fix it in my heart,
That I may from evil near
With timely care depart;
Sin be more than hell abhorred;
Till thou destroy the tyrant foe,
Keep me, keep me, gracious Lord,
And never let me go!

Never let me leave thy breast,
From thee, my Saviour, stray;
Thou art my support and rest,
My true and living Way;
My exceeding great reward,
In heav’n above, and earth below:
Keep me, keep me, gracious Lord,
And never let me go!

Charles Wesley (1707-88)

 

 

 

 

 

 

wrestling Jacob

What’s tonight going to bring?

Israel means

‘One who struggles with God’

Based on Genesis 32:24-31

Come, O thou Traveler unknown,
Whom still I hold, but cannot see!
My company before is gone,
And I am left alone with Thee;
With Thee all night I mean to stay,
And wrestle till the break of day.

I need not tell Thee who I am,
My misery and sin declare;
Thyself hast called me by my name,
Look on Thy hands, and read it there;
But who, I ask Thee, who art Thou?
Tell me Thy name, and tell me now.

In vain Thou strugglest to get free,
I never will unloose my hold!
Art Thou the Man that died for me?
The secret of Thy love unfold;
Wrestling, I will not let Thee go,
Till I Thy name, Thy nature know.

What though my shrinking flesh complain,
And murmur to contend so long?
I rise superior to my pain,
When I am weak, then I am strong
And when my all of strength shall fail,
I shall with the God-man prevail.

Yield to me now, for I am weak,
But confident in self-despair;
Speak to my heart, in blessings speak,
Be conquered by my instant prayer;
Speak, or Thou never hence shalt move,
And tell me if Thy Name is Love.

’Tis Love! ’tis Love! Thou diedst for me!
I hear Thy whisper in my heart;
The morning breaks, the shadows flee,
Pure, universal love Thou art;
To me, to all, Thy bowels move;
Thy nature and Thy Name is Love.

My prayer hath power with God; the grace
Unspeakable I now receive;
Through faith I see Thee face to face,
I see Thee face to face, and live!
In vain I have not wept and strove;
Thy nature and Thy Name is Love.

I know Thee, Savior, who Thou art.
Jesus, the feeble sinner’s friend;
Nor wilt Thou with the night depart.
But stay and love me to the end,
Thy mercies never shall remove;
Thy nature and Thy Name is Love.

The Sun of righteousness on me
Hath rose with healing in His wings,
Withered my nature’s strength; from Thee
My soul its life and succor brings;
My help is all laid up above;
Thy nature and Thy Name is Love.

Contented now upon my thigh
I halt, till life’s short journey end;
All helplessness, all weakness I
On Thee alone for strength depend;
Nor have I power from Thee to move:
Thy nature, and Thy name is Love.

Lame as I am, I take the prey,
Hell, earth, and sin, with ease o’ercome;
I leap for joy, pursue my way,
And as a bounding hart fly home,
Through all eternity to prove
Thy nature and Thy Name is Love.

Charles Wesley   

 To all who fight tonight to stay the course…

Are you yet alive?

 The aim of this blogg is to start a rolling conversation about life as an addicted people drawing on the twelve steps of the AA and the NA and the response to the creator God. It will attempt to do this from a spirituality rooted in the ‘Methodist movement’ of temperance and the pursuit of Christian perfection.

It took a long time… At last driven in desperation, I came upon a field, my addictions and my memories tearing away at my inner self. I fell to my knees in mud and water and looked upwards and groaned a prayer from the pit of my mire…a prayer that could reach heaven or hell…

                                                                            

Whats your temptation? Whats your addiction? Whats your fight? What keeps you from living? 

I found a way…a prayer in faith

My prayer hath power with God; the grace
Unspeakable I now receive;
Through faith I see Thee face to face,
I see Thee face to face, and live!
In vain I have not wept and strove;
Thy nature and Thy Name is Love.  Charles wesley

                                        

 

Do the memories of the past tear a hole? Can you let them go? Do you want to let them go? Whats holding you back? Living in fear or are you not living at all?

Long my imprisoned spirit lay Fast bound in sin and natures night; Thine eyes diffused a quickening ray- I woke, the dungeon flamed with light, My chains fell off, my Heart was free, I rose, went forth, and followed thee. Charles Wesley

Brothers death is so hard, so painful

I hope this helps someone…

I’m thinking of my older brother Brian who died in October last year from His alcohol addiction. I remembered when I first got drug busted-I was 14 and he went crazy at me…he said ‘I can understand you having a beer-  but drugs! ‘that said it all…’

A few years later and I was snorting, injecting and dropping anything I could get my hands on and friends were dropping like flies. Brian continued drinking. Around 14 friends have died from overdose’s and similar stuff over the years.

I hoped I would never add my Brother Brian to that list. I’ve never laughed so much with anyone as I laughed wht that man, but, I’ve never cried as much for anyone. Brian just could not fight it in the end… Anyone reading this may well relate to that. I had to fight it head on. I remeber rolling on the floor and shouting from the bottom of my stomach. I gave it all I could, you’ve got to be hard headed and vicious against your addictions. You got to hate them- realise your a slave to them. God helped. I got clean and dry… 6 years now I’ve been dry and I’ve been clean for allot longer. I have changed- it was hard- I had to leave the old life behind. I gave my life to God. I’m training for ordained ministry in the Methodist church now… Never thought the first funeral I took would be for my own brother…

Luke 15: 11-24

<!– 15 –>

The Parable of the Prodigal and His Brother

11 Then Jesus said, ‘There was a man who had two sons. ¹²The younger of them said to his father, “Father, give me the share of the property that will belong to me.” So he divided his property between them. ¹³A few days later the younger son gathered all he had and travelled to a distant country, and there he squandered his property in dissolute living. ¹⁴When he had spent everything, a severe famine took place throughout that country, and he began to be in need. ¹⁵So he went and hired himself out to one of the citizens of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed the pigs. ¹⁶He would gladly have filled himself with the pods that the pigs were eating; and no one gave him anything. ¹⁷But when he came to himself he said, “How many of my father’s hired hands have bread enough and to spare, but here I am dying of hunger! ¹⁸I will get up and go to my father, and I will say to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you; ¹⁹I am no longer worthy to be called your son; treat me like one of your hired hands.’ ” ²⁰So he set off and went to his father. But while he was still far off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion; he ran and put his arms around him and kissed him. ²¹Then the son said to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you; I am no longer worthy to be called your son.” ²²But the father said to his slaves, “Quickly, bring out a robe—the best one—and put it on him; put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. ²³And get the fatted calf and kill it, and let us eat and celebrate; ²⁴for this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found!” And they began to celebrate.

 If you’ve made it this far down the page and you want or need to talk- then do so- you may be surprised.

 

 

 

the 12 steps and the covenant

It took a long time… At last driven in desperation, I came upon a field, my addictions and my memories tearing away at my inner self. I fell to my knees in mud and water and looked upwards and groaned a prayer from the pit of my mire…a prayer that could reach heaven or hell…

I am no longer my own but yours.
Put me to what you will, rank me with whom you will;
put me to doing, put me to suffering;
let me be employed for you or laid aside for you,
exalted for you or brought low for you;
let me be full, let me be empty,
let me have all things, let me have nothing;
I freely and wholeheartedly yield or things to you pleasure and disposal.

And now, glorious and blessed God,
Father, Son and Holy spirit,
you are mine and I am yours.
So be it.
And the covenant made on earth,
let it be ratified in heaven. Amen

This is the version found in the methodist tradition- this came out of my mouth, my heart many years before I set foot in a Church…

Anyone fancy signing up to praying this daily?

mouth watering

Does your mouth ever water for a drink when you forget the pain and horror of your addictions… do you ever watch  from a distance someone looking like their enjoying that drink and imagine it going down your throat?

Then do you come to your sense and remember all the shit and pain it took you down?…to hell…pure hell…

What jolts you back?

What though my shrinking flesh complain,

And murmour to contend so long?

I rise superior to my pain,

When i am weak, then i am strong;

And when my all of strength shall fail,

I shall with the God-man prevail.

Charles Wesley

 

The aim of this blogg, and there is an aim, is to start a rolling conversation about life as an addicted people drawing on the twelve steps of the AA and the NA and the response to the creator God. It will attempt to do this from a spirituality rooted in the ‘Methodist movement’ of temperance and the pursuit of Christian perfection.

Whats your addiction- drugs-alcohol- sexual pleasure-violence-greed?

Addiction- Addiction- Addiction- Addiction

The road is easy that leads to death and many find it but the gate that leads to life is hard to find.

How long will our spirits lay fast bound by our natures night of pleasure manifested in many addictions…

The aim of this blogg, and there is an aim, is to start a rolling conversation about life as an addicted people drawing on  the twelve steps of the AA and the NA and the response to the creator God. It will attempt to do this from a spirituality rooted in the ‘Methodist movement’ of temperance and the pursuit of Christian perfection.

If you are not addicted to drugs or alcohol- the question- what is you addiction? You don’t have to be what society claases an addict to share a view in this.

The hope is that together we can set the scriptures lose and afresh in our lives. The starting point being the scripture reading that follows.

 1 peter 5 

6 Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, so that he may exalt you in due time. ⁷Cast all your anxiety on him, because he cares for you. ⁸Discipline yourselves; keep alert.^* Like a roaring lion your adversary the devil prowls around, looking for someone to devour. ⁹Resist him, steadfast in your faith, for you know that your brothers and sisters^* throughout the world are undergoing the same kinds of suffering. ¹⁰And after you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, support, strengthen, and establish you. ¹¹To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen. <!– 12 –>

Further to this the aim is to explore what it means to live this out in society using the poems and hymns of Charles Wesley. This hymn is ‘wrestling Jacob’- does this not resonate?

Genesis 32:26-31

Come, O thou Traveler unknown,
Whom still I hold, but cannot see!
My company before is gone,
And I am left alone with Thee;
With Thee all night I mean to stay,
And wrestle till the break of day.

I need not tell Thee who I am,
My misery and sin declare;
Thyself hast called me by my name,
Look on Thy hands, and read it there;
But who, I ask Thee, who art Thou?
Tell me Thy name, and tell me now.

In vain Thou strugglest to get free,
I never will unloose my hold!
Art Thou the Man that died for me?
The secret of Thy love unfold;
Wrestling, I will not let Thee go,
Till I Thy name, Thy nature know.

What though my shrinking flesh complain,
And murmur to contend so long?
I rise superior to my pain,
When I am weak, then I am strong
And when my all of strength shall fail,
I shall with the God-man prevail.

Yield to me now, for I am weak,
But confident in self-despair;
Speak to my heart, in blessings speak,
Be conquered by my instant prayer;
Speak, or Thou never hence shalt move,
And tell me if Thy Name is Love.

’Tis Love! ’tis Love! Thou diedst for me!
I hear Thy whisper in my heart;
The morning breaks, the shadows flee,
Pure, universal love Thou art;
To me, to all, Thy bowels move;
Thy nature and Thy Name is Love.

My prayer hath power with God; the grace
Unspeakable I now receive;
Through faith I see Thee face to face,
I see Thee face to face, and live!
In vain I have not wept and strove;
Thy nature and Thy Name is Love.

I know Thee, Savior, who Thou art.
Jesus, the feeble sinner’s friend;
Nor wilt Thou with the night depart.
But stay and love me to the end,
Thy mercies never shall remove;
Thy nature and Thy Name is Love.

The Sun of righteousness on me
Hath rose with healing in His wings,
Withered my nature’s strength; from Thee
My soul its life and succor brings;
My help is all laid up above;
Thy nature and Thy Name is Love.

Contented now upon my thigh
I halt, till life’s short journey end;
All helplessness, all weakness I
On Thee alone for strength depend;
Nor have I power from Thee to move:
Thy nature, and Thy name is Love.

Lame as I am, I take the prey,
Hell, earth, and sin, with ease o’ercome;
I leap for joy, pursue my way,
And as a bounding hart fly home,
Through all eternity to prove
Thy nature and Thy Name is Love.

Charles Wesley